Life sometimes catches me off guard. Sometimes with happy surprises and unexpected blessings, and other times with circumstances I would much rather avoid altogether if it were up to me.
Thankfully, it is not up to me. If it were, I would surely never grow and learn, something all living things must do. It is the nature of things – the beautiful, wonderful, conceived-in-the-imagination-of-God-Himself nature of things.
This past year I have experienced a series of “off-guard” moments. Some of them you already know about, because I have shared them here. Some of them you don’t, because I have not shared them publicly. I think there are two reasons I have not shared them:
1. I was embarrassed to admit some of them.
2. I was afraid to appear as though I were complaining and trying to solicit pity (even though that is the farthest thing from the truth).
But shame and fear are not from God. And the Lord has been dealing with me lately about being more transparent. Here’s why:
As I have been praying and pondering the events of the past year since we lost our home in a fire (November 1, 2011), the Lord recently took me to Revelation chapter 12. As the accuser of the brothers and sisters (that’s us) had been cast down, verse 11 says that “they triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.”
Now, I have heard this verse all my life and have had a misconception about the order of things. I have always thought that our testimony of something comes AFTER we overcome it. Not so here. In this passage, it clearly states that we overcome BY the word of our testimony. It’s the word of our testimony (with the blood of Jesus) that enables us to triumph over the accuser – who, incidentally, is accusing us night and day before God according to verse 10. That lying snake never shuts up!
So, in an effort to overcome the shame and fear I have hidden behind in recent months in not sharing more about what we have been going through – here is the word of my testimony in the face of so many off-guard moments that have presented themselves this year. My prayer is that you, too, will find inspiration to shed the things that hinder you from being gut-level real with yourself, with God and with others.
For starters, it didn’t start this year. We started encountering significant financial pressures in 2008 while we were still in Arkansas, and the Lord ultimately used that to bring us back to Austin early in 2010. For the first 15 months we were here, we lived in two separate parts of the city (I with family and he with a friend) to accommodate his work location and schedule. We finally were able to relocate to Lago Vista in a modest four-plex in April of 2011.
In May, the position I held with a non-profit was eliminated. By June were facing eviction and were on food stamps and soliciting assistance from a local charity to pay our electric bill. The Lord provided the money we needed to pay the rent twice by unexpected sources, twice helping us avoid eviction. In August I started a part-time position with a risk management company.
In November, our home burned to the ground and we were essentially homeless. For all practical purposes, we still are. This has been one of the hardest things for me to admit. We moved into a borrowed travel trailer in an RV park.
On January 1, 2012, I was scheduled to go full-time with the risk management company, and we were excited to finally have the opportunity to be able to pay off some debt and save up to get back in our own place. We had a six-month plan.
Three weeks later I had to have emergency surgery for a serious infection and was hospitalized for the first time in my life. I was sent home with a wound vac attached to me and home health care three times a week for the next two weeks. What the doctors said would take 2-4 months to heal only took two weeks.
A few days before I was to return to work, my employer called me and fired me over the phone. Despite the doctor’s releasing me back to work, they did not think I would be physically able to handle the work load. Because I had only had the job a few months, and because of the way the fiscal quarters fell, I was not allowed by the State of Texas to file for unemployment until May.
We applied for food stamps again, only to be told that David made $31 too much for us to qualify. We now found ourselves in the receiving lines at local food pantries, which is a hard pill to swallow when you have always been on the other side of the counter. We used to fill grocery bags for those in need. Now we were receiving them.
In mid-May, we had fallen behind in the rent at the RV Park but had been catching up. On a Friday afternoon, we took a payment to the owner and lined out when and how we would pay the remaining balance by the end of the month. He was fine with that, laughed and talked politics with us and winked at me as I walked out the door. He said he knew we would be able to catch up. On Monday, we came home to an eviction notice on the door with 72 hours notice to leave. When I called him about it, he gave no explanation but simply said we needed to go.
With no money and no where to go, the Lord provided a place for us to move the RV (a friend’s property), and that is where we are now. During this time, I have continued to try to grow two businesses, so cash flow has been up and down as we have worked to dig ourselves out of the financial hole that resulted from my losing my job.
In September, David lost his job. He started unemployment, then was offered a position with another local shop and accepted it. Two weeks ago, he lost that one as well. The same week he lost the second job, three of our family members ended up in the hospital (three hospitals, three cities). Two were in ICU (one critical). All are still in the hospital (no longer in ICU) and are improving.
At this point, I want to remind you that I am not sharing any of this to solicit pity. These are only the “highlights” of what has been a series of circumstances I would not have chosen for myself. There is much more that lies beneath the surface and this season has admittedly taken a physical, emotional and financial toll on both of us.
But what I want to make perfectly clear is that while I have been caught off-guard numerous times in recent years, God has never been caught off guard once. None of these things took Him by surprise. He never once took a step back and said, “Wow! I didn’t see that coming.”
And while I have admittedly had an ample number of emotional meltdowns (and continue to do so) when it seems I can’t take one more thing trying to hold me back, I still am experiencing a peace and closeness with the Lover of my soul that is ever-deeper and ever-stronger.
People sometimes tell me how strong they think I am and how they don’t think they could ever endure what we have been through. I say, “Phooey!” You have no idea what you can endure until you are faced with it, and when the strength of Christ is in you, you can withstand any storm that blows your way.
Yes, the walls of this tiny little trailer often close in on me, and I do miss having a real kitchen, a real bed and a toilet that flushes with my hand and not my foot. And yes, I would love to be able to use the microwave and the AC at the same time without tripping a breaker. But this is my current reality; and while it is my reality, I will continue to find my contentment in Christ. Yes, I do sometimes burst into tears over stupid little things because of the frustration of having no room to move around or work. But when all is said and done, I know that He is faithful to complete the good work He has begun in me and that He is working ALL things together for my good because I love Him and am called according to HIS purposes.
The blood of the Lamb covers me. This is my testimony. And this is me overcoming.
